COUNCIL OF THE GODDESS | June 24, 2021 – VC Reporter

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Platonic bomb

A guy I know is bitching at me because he only has girlfriends. He apparently tried to get involved with all of them at some point, but was turned down. Why doesn’t he find male friends instead of going after women (under the guise of friendship) who probably trust him not to flirt with them?

– Disgusted

This guy probably lives in an eternal hope for every friend, dreaming of the day he can be of help when she drops something on her floor – like her panties.

Although you don’t mention him trying to turn his dreams into reality, his behavior probably “burns” you because you take a less sexually opportunistic approach to your friendships with men. We humans “are willing … to imagine that other spirits are very similar to our own,” says anthropologist Donald Symons, and often are. However, we are inclined to assume that they should be like ours, so when someone thinks differently, we tend to see them as wrong (and maybe a little awful) and not just different.

Men and women (and male and female minds) are more alike than different. However, our different physiologies – such as which gender becomes pregnant and must avoid having to raise a child alone – have led to the evolution of psychological differences, such as a greater selection of women to have sex with. Although men and women sometimes fall in bed with their opposite sex friends, for a lot of men the friendship zone seems to double with a “Well, do your best to turn her into a sex friend. ! ” zoned.

Evolutionary psychologist April Bleske-Rechek, researching gender differences in how people perceive their friends of the opposite sex, finds that a man is more likely to define a friend as someone who attracts him “And that he will continue if given the opportunity”, more likely to define a male friend simply as “a friend of the opposite sex”.

Perhaps you think that friendship should be a “safe space”, guaranteed to remain infinitely platonic. And that might be unrealistic, unless you avoid having friends who might hit on you. You might try to see this guy’s behavior in a more compassionate light. Chances are he’s a beta male who can’t compete with alphas in the normal mating sphere, like on Tinder or at parties. He’s probably doing his best with the only advantage he has, the intelligence to surround himself with a bunch of pretty ladies. (Living in a monastery full of guys only works for a guy whose last name for his beloved is “The Almighty”.)

Hex and the city

My ex cheated on me and ripped me off financially, but before I knew it I had really fallen in love with him. I miss him and keep thinking about him every day, and I can’t seem to stop. A friend suggested that I get a spell from a witchcraft store. She insists that it helped her close up after her bad breakup. I’m a rational person, and it sounds utterly ridiculous, but nothing I’ve tried (from meditation to evacuation to total strangers or hanging out with other people) has helped. Please tell me this is completely stupid.

-Infested

It’s a tempting idea, the idea that you can fix your lingering emotional issues through retail, a la “Curses: Today Only, Two for $ 19.99!”

In fact, a ritual – like casting a spell or the hockey player Stéphan Lebeau always chewing 20 to 25 pieces of gum and spitting them out two minutes before the engagement – can have a positive effect. I know that sounds rather cuckoo; however, it is not because the ritual works in a supernatural way.

A ritual, explains Francesca Gino, a professor at Harvard Business School, is a “symbolic activity” that you perform in the hopes of making a difference. Gino discovers that performing rituals leads to “a heightened sense of control.” It can help the ritual practitioner to calm down and to be more in control. Surprisingly, even those who think the ritual they are doing sucks feel this benefit – what I would call the abracadabra placebo effect. Our psychology seems tuned to understand if we take action, it’s for a reason: to make things better.

You could create an eviction ritual to get the guy out of your head. I suggest writing down your relationship history including what you learned that will help you avoid tangles with the future Mr. Rottens. Psychologist James Pennebaker finds that “expressive writing” – even 15 minutes spent describing the emotional impact of a bad experience – helps us reinterpret and make sense of what happened so we can move on. forward instead of endlessly reshaping the past. Invite a friend (or dress up your cat) to testify, then say a few words, light the story, and rinse the ashes. It should help you come to terms with it’s over, albeit, admittedly without the celebration day finality you probably think the guy deserves: Casual Human Sacrifice Friday.

(c) 2021, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. I have a problem? Write to Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, # 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or send an email [email protected]. @amyalkon on Twitter. Weekly podcast: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon

Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Unf * ckology: A Field Guide to Living With Courage and Confidence, ”(Griffin de Saint-Martin, 2018).


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